You can plan the most beautiful retreat imaginable.

You can choose an extraordinary venue, create thoughtful experiences, communicate every detail clearly, serve delicious meals, and pour your heart into making sure everyone feels cared for.

And still…

Someone may complain.

Someone may misunderstand something you said.

Someone may be unhappy with their room.

Someone may decide the schedule should revolve around them.

Someone may arrive carrying emotional baggage that has absolutely nothing to do with you – and proceed to unpack it throughout your retreat!

Welcome to retreat leadership. 😄

After decades of leading, planning, and managing retreats, I can tell you that one of the most important skills a retreat leader can develop has very little to do with logistics.

It’s learning how to manage yourself when someone else is difficult.

And there’s one framework I have returned to again and again over the years: The Four Agreements, from don Miguel Ruiz.

I had the privilege of studying with don Miguel for eight years, and these teachings profoundly shaped the way I see relationships, business, leadership, and life.

And they’re incredibly useful when you find yourself face-to-face with “that participant.” You know the one. 😉

So let’s take a look at The Four Agreements through the eyes of a retreat leader.

Agreement #1: Be Impeccable With Your Word

Being impeccable with your word doesn’t simply mean being honest. As a retreat leader, it means being clear, thoughtful, and responsible with your communication.

A surprising amount of retreat conflict begins because expectations were never clearly established.

For example:

What exactly is included?
What isn’t included?
What happens if someone arrives late?
Can participants skip activities?
What’s your cancellation policy?
What behavior is – or is not – appropriate within the group?

What happens if someone has a problem during the retreat?

Clear communication before the retreat can prevent an enormous amount of difficulty during the retreat.

However, being impeccable with your word also becomes important when conflict happens.

When someone’s angry, disappointed, or behaving poorly, it can be tempting to become defensive. Or sarcastic.😯

Being impeccable asks something different of us. It asks:

Can you speak clearly without attacking or getting angry?
Can you establish a boundary without humiliating someone?
Can you address the behavior rather than judging the person?

And that’s what makes an effective leader.

Agreement #2: Don’t Take Anything Personally

If there were ever an agreement designed specifically for retreat leaders, this might be it.

Someone doesn’t like the food.
Someone thinks there should have been more unscheduled time.
Someone thinks there should have been less unscheduled time.
Someone loves the excursion you planned.
Someone else hates it.
One participant thinks you’re the most organized person on earth.
Another thinks everything should have been done differently.

If your emotional wellbeing rises and falls with every participant’s opinion of you, leading retreats will become exhausting very quickly.

The truth is, people experience your retreat through the lens of their own expectations, histories, fears, preferences, wounds, and beliefs.

Their reaction is information. It’s not necessarily truth.

However, that doesn’t mean we dismiss feedback! Quite the opposite. Good retreat leaders listen carefully.

Because sometimes the participant is absolutely right, and something needs to be corrected. And listening to feedback and taking it personally are two entirely different things.

Not taking participants personally helps us move forward without spending the next six hours replaying the conversation in our head!!

Agreement #3: Don’t Make Assumptions

Imagine this. A participant suddenly becomes quiet. They stop participating. They sit away from the group at dinner.

And your mind starts thinking:

She hates the retreat.
I knew something was wrong.
Maybe she’s upset with me.
What did I do?

Meanwhile, perhaps she has a killer migraine. Or received upsetting news from home. Or simply needs an hour alone after three days of being surrounded by people.

We create enormous amounts of unnecessary stress by inventing stories when we don’t actually know what’s happening.

The solution is remarkably simple: Ask.

For example: “I noticed you’ve been a little quieter this afternoon. I just wanted to connect with you to see how you’re doing.”

The same principle applies when someone complains. Don’t assume you know what they want. Ask.

You may discover that the solution is far simpler than the scenario you’ve created in your head.

And this agreement works in the opposite direction too. Don’t assume participants understand something simply because you mentioned it once.

Don’t assume everyone read the welcome packet, or that they understand your cancellation policy, or that they know when the bus is leaving.

When something matters, communicate it clearly – and often.

Agreement #4: Always Do Your Best

This agreement may be the one retreat leaders need most when things go wrong. Because you can absolutely bet it on: something eventually will go wrong!

A flight will be delayed. The weather will refuse to cooperate. Someone at the venue will make a mistake. A participant will become sick. An excursion may be unfortunately cancelled.

Retreat leadership is not about creating a world where nothing ever goes wrong. That’s impossible.

It’s about becoming the kind of leader who can respond well when it does.

And sometimes your best means solving the problem, and other times it means apologizing, changing the schedule, or saying NO!

And sometimes your best means accepting that you can’t make one participant happy without negatively affecting the experience of everyone else. That’s important.

Our job as retreat leaders is not to satisfy every person’s needs and desires. Our job is to steward the experience of the entire group.

There may be moments when the most loving, responsible decision is a boundary.

Compassion Does Not Mean Having No Boundaries

This is where retreat leaders sometimes find themselves in trouble.

We want to be kind and we want people to feel cared for.

We want everyone to have a transformational experience.

So we accommodate…
And accommodate…
And accommodate…

Until one participant begins consuming an enormous amount of our time, energy, or attention. The Four Agreements do not ask us to become doormats!!

You can have compassion for someone’s experience while still saying:

“Unfortunately, we can’t accommodate that.”

You can understand why someone is upset without agreeing that they’re right. And, you can care about someone’s feelings without allowing their behavior to disrupt the group.

And occasionally, you may need to have a very direct conversation with someone privately because protecting the retreat community is part of your responsibility as its leader.

Kindness and boundaries are not opposites. Healthy boundaries are an expression of kindness – to yourself, your team, and every other participant who trusted you with their retreat experience.

The Participant Who Pushes Your Buttons May Be Your Greatest Teacher

This is one of the ironies of leading retreats. We often imagine that we’re the ones creating transformational experiences for our participants. And then someone shows up who pushes every button we have.

Suddenly we’re the ones getting the lesson. 😄

Here are a few questions to honestly ask yourself:

Can I remain calm when someone is angry?
Can I listen without becoming defensive?
Can I recognize feedback without making it mean something about my worth?
Can I set a boundary without needing the other person to approve of it?
Can I stop inventing stories and simply ask what’s going on?
Can I do my best and then let go of the outcome?

Those are not simply retreat leadership skills. Those are life skills.

And perhaps that’s one of the greatest gifts of leading retreats.

Yes, we create extraordinary experiences for other people. But again and again, this work gives us opportunities to grow too.

My bottom line: Difficult participants and situations are inevitable. Drama is optional.

So the next time a difficult participant appears on your retreat, before you decide the universe is punishing you, consider another possibility:

Maybe you’ve just been given an unexpected time to practice.

• Be impeccable with your word.
• Don’t take it personally.
• Don’t make assumptions.
• Do your best.

And then go have a glass of wine.
Because damn, you earned it! 😉

Take a moment to share your feelings below – I’d love to know!

xo Sheri