If you work closely with people – whether you lead retreats, coach clients, teach groups, or facilitate transformational experiences – you need boundaries.

That probably isn’t news to you.

But having studied The Four Agreements for many years, I’ve learned that: Not every boundary comes from the same place.

I believe there are boundaries we create from fear… and boundaries we create from love.

And although they might sometimes look exactly the same from the outside, energetically they are VERY different.

Fear-based boundaries say: “I need to protect myself from you.”

• Maybe you’ve had the retreat participant who demanded far more attention than everyone else.
• The coaching client who texts at all hours of the day.
• The person who continually asks for an exception to your policies.
• The participant who talks badly about you to the other participants behind your back and hijacks your retreat.
• Or perhaps you’ve had an experience where someone crossed a line, and afterward you thought: Never again.

So you create rules in your own mind. You find yourself getting defensive with people, or you totally side-step confrontation because you hate the way it feels.

You want to be in control, but instead you end up building walls.

That’s why it’s so important to ask ourselves: Where is this boundary coming from?

Because walls are NOT healthy boundaries.

A boundary created from love feels different. A loving boundary doesn’t say: “You’re a problem, and I need to keep you away from me.”

It says:
“I know what I can responsibly give, and I know what I cannot.”
“I care about you enough to be clear with you.”
“I care about ME enough to speak my truth kindly, calmly, and with love.

Those distinctions matters enormously when we work in transformational spaces.

Retreat leaders especially tend to be caring people. We want our participants to feel seen, heard, and held.

But being held does not mean being endlessly accommodated.
And serving people does not mean sacrificing ourselves.

In fact, when there are no healthy boundaries, eventually, resentment creeps in.

And here’s the uncomfortable part: Sometimes we accidentally teach people that this is okay because of OUR behavior! 😨

How?

It happens when we aren’t clear about the container. We don’t speak up. We allow people to walk over us.

Your healthy boundaries create the container for your retreat!

There are things the retreat leader is responsible for – and things the retreat leader is not responsible for. Your container actually helps people feel safer.

When participants know what to expect, where they can turn for help, what the schedule looks like, what behavior is appropriate, and what happens when something goes wrong, they can relax.

Clarity creates safety.
And boundaries are part of that clarity.

The same thing is true in coaching.

If I tell a client: “Our coaching calls are twice a month, and if something comes up between sessions, send me a message on WhatsApp and I’ll answer you within 24 hours.”

I’m not withholding love here. I’m defining the relationship.

If I say: “This issue is outside the scope of what I am qualified to help you with, and I think another professional would be better equipped to support you,”

I’m not abandoning someone. I’m actually serving them far better than I would by pretending I can help.

If I enforce a cancellation policy that someone agreed to when they registered, I’m not being uncaring. I’m honoring an agreement we both made.

A loving boundary doesn’t require us to become cold.
It requires us to become clear.

And here’s where it gets really interesting… sometimes what looks like kindness is actually fear.

• We say yes because we’re afraid someone will be angry.
• We make an exception because we’re afraid they will not like us.
• We answer the late-night message because we’re afraid they’ll think we don’t care.
• We lower our pricing because we’re afraid they’ll walk away.
• We allow behavior on a retreat that isn’t appropriate because we’re afraid of creating conflict.
• We tell ourselves we’re being flexible, compassionate. or even that we’re giving excellent customer service.

But underneath it might be: “I’m afraid of what you’ll think of me if I say no.”

That isn’t a boundary problem. That’s a fear problem. And this is where our own inner work becomes part of being a responsible leader.

Before you create a boundary, ask yourself three questions.

1. What am I trying to protect?
Am I protecting the integrity of the experience, my time, my energy, my other participants, my business – or am I reacting to something I’m afraid to address?

2. Can I communicate this boundary without making the other person wrong?
There’s a big difference between saying: “Folks have been complaining privately to me that you’re talking negatively about me to everyone, affecting the vibe of the group, and I want you to stop right this minute!”

And saying:
“I want to chat with you about something that is affecting the group. I’ve become aware that some negative conversations are happening about me and the retreat, and it’s beginning to impact the energy of the experience. If there’s something you’re unhappy about, I absolutely want you to bring it directly to me so we can talk about it. But I need to ask you not to continue discussing it with other participants in a way that undermines the group experience.”

Same boundary: This behavior needs to stop.

But the second version doesn’t attack the person, label them as difficult, or invite an argument about who said what.

It addresses the behavior and its impact, and it shares a direct path for communication, and makes the boundary very clear.

That’s what a boundary from love can look like.

And notice – love doesn’t make the boundary weaker. You’re still saying, This cannot continue. You’re simply saying it without making the other person wrong.

3. Does this boundary serve both of us?
The most effective boundaries aren’t punishments.
They create clarity by letting people know where they stand.
And they allow us to show up fully within the space we’ve agreed to provide.

You can be loving and still say no.

I think this is one of the hardest lessons for people in service-based businesses to learn.

• You can love someone and disappoint them.
• You can care deeply about a participant and still tell them their behavior isn’t appropriate.
• You can understand someone’s circumstances and still uphold your cancellation policy.
• You can have enormous compassion for what someone is experiencing and recognize that you are not qualified to solve it.
• You can be generous without being endlessly available.
• You can be kind without abandoning yourself.
• And you can say no without making anyone wrong.

That, to me, is the difference between a wall built from fear and a boundary created from love.

One pushes people away because we’re afraid. The other clearly says: “Here’s the space in which I can meet you wholeheartedly.”

And when we lead from that place, something beautiful happens.

We don’t have to constantly defend our boundaries because we’ve created relationships built around clarity from the beginning!

➡️ We can stop rescuing and over-giving.
➡️ We can stop quietly resenting people for crossing lines we never clearly drew.

And instead, we can focus our energy where it belongs:
Being fully present for the people we are here to serve.💯💗

Take a moment to share your feelings below – I’d love to know!

xo Sheri